THE TROUBLE WITH GOATS
by Ballyuk
Summary: Having heard a noise coming from outside the barn, Clark goes to investigate. Has Zod arrived, as Lionel's scribblings had forewarned? Takes place right after the Bike vs Harley chat in 5x21 (Oracle).


Author's Note: I do not own the characters. Also, this is a Jim Breuer-free zone!

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 **THE TROUBLE WITH GOATS.**

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The symbols on the page seemed to stare back at him as he absorbed their meaning. With a worried frown, he announced the symbols' meaning, answering Chloe's query without directly addressing her.

"Zod is coming."

Chloe had become very pensive as Clark stared at the symbols on the page. She'd run them through a computer program and found the pattern to be repeated 32 times. Not understanding Kryptonian, she'd come to the barn to talk to Clark just as Lois had left with the remainder of her 'world famous' birthday rum cake. Chloe was certain she'd missed a moment but had put it to the back of her mind in light of this more pressing matter.

"That can't be good," she managed to utter. Clark's eyes meeting hers only confirmed that impression.

"It's not. If Zod really is coming to Earth, every single person on the planet is in danger Chloe."

She looked into the blue eyes staring right at her, and detected the flash of fear behind them. Whatever Zod was capable of was a threat to Clark too, not just mankind. Suddenly, Clark turned away, casting his eyes over the loft, taking in every detail of the space that was his human fortress of solitude. He was looking around as though he might never see this place again, and that thought frightened Chloe. A world without Clark didn't bear thinking about.

All that talk from Jor-el about destiny had come down to this. He was the only one capable of taking on and defeating Zod. And yet he had no clue as to what Zod might look like. He could arrive in a spaceship or he could arrive the same way Clark had following his rebirth. Either way, Clark had a major problem once Zod did arrive.

The sound of a twig snapping outside brought him sharply back into the present. Already somewhat on edge, he stood up swiftly, alarming Chloe.

"Clark, what is it?"

"I thought I heard something."

He began to move towards the loft window, peering out into the night sky and the fields below. Nothing. Chloe stood up carefully, eyes wide with fear. Clearly, she'd had the same thoughts that Clark was having. Was Zod already here?

Clark stepped across the loft past Chloe and made his way down the staircase.

"Wait here," he whispered to Chloe as he carried on down and out of the barn.

Chloe stood against the railing, not realising her hands were digging into the wooden beam as she gripped it tightly. She didn't even feel the splinter embed itself into her palm. Watching as Clark abruptly stopped at the entrance to the barn made her breath hitch, and she let out an involuntary gasp. _Oh my god, Zod is here!_

Running through the permutations in her head, she decided that fight rather than flight was in order. Sidekicks stood side by side with the hero in battle. If she was going down, she'd be going down swinging. It was the Chloe Sullivan way. Hell, it was the Lois Lane way too. Keeping her hand on the beam as she tentatively headed downstairs, she never took her eyes off Clark. If there was an intruder, wouldn't Shelby be barking like crazy? _What if Zod has hurt Shelby? What about Mrs Kent, and Lois!_

In the dim light outside the barn, Clark squinted through the spring evening mist down the dirt road that led to the entrance to the farm. A figure emerged through the mist, moving at a brisk pace in his direction. Clark steeled himself. If Zod was here and ready to battle, he'd be prepared.

The second the mist cleared and the figure loomed into view, Clark could hear the muttering. His shoulders visibly relaxed, the cautious frown on his face giving way to the beginnings of a grin. The form was quite clearly feminine, and he could recognise it even in silhouette. It was not mist, but the air turning blue from the range of expletives being muttered by the owner of the silhouette. It was _not_ Zod, it was Lois. And she was mad! Something told him she had not been possessed by the spirit of a Kryptonian warlord. Nothing could be angrier than a raging Lois, for one thing.

"Damn you Smallville, and damn your farm!"

Lois marched over towards him, and under the light above the barn door, he could make out her features more clearly. Blue jeans, brownish-green jacket, dark blonde hair. Only she seemed to be covered in something. Clark could see that her shoes had got muddy, as had her jeans but it wasn't just mud. The light reflecting off her livid profile showed a blue-ish tinge to the mess, and the vast majority of it was covering her face, hair and jacket. Had she fallen in something? Regardless, Clark couldn't help it as his own eyes lit up, the grin continuing to grow unabated.

"Lois, what happened?" he enquired, crossing his arms.

Lois began combing her hands through her hair and over her face, shaking them to the ground to release little clumps of whatever she'd obviously landed in. She didn't stink, so it couldn't be manure or anything else on the farm that smelled bad. Putting her hands on her hips, she huffed as she answered.

"That randy ram of yours."

Despite the absurdity of that statement, he indicated for her to continue. She did have a habit of attracting attention from the wrong types but that was something new.

"I went to pawn off my cake to the goats. When I opened the gate and stepped inside the goat pen, it charged at me. As I went to make a quick exit, I tripped and fell."

Clark moved closer to Lois, and now he could see remnants of blue and red icing in her hair, plus several streaks of undercooked cake batter plastering her face. The smell of rum now invaded his nostrils. The cake was nothing if not potent and though he was no cookery expert, maybe that was why it hadn't baked properly - even on her third attempt. Just how bad were the other two? He hoped she'd keep her temper in check lest she burst into flames as he stifled the urge to laugh, realising that she must have face-planted right into her own cake. Oh the hilarity!

Keeping his tone neutral to avoid being slapped or punched with cakey hands, he pointed out the obvious.

"You fell on your cake."

Evidently, he'd said that loudly enough to elicit a howl from behind him. Lois diverted her attention to the sound coming from behind Clark's shoulder as he turned his head towards the barn door. In the gloomy light, the howl got louder as the source of the sound made itself known.

Chloe's tiny blonde profile emerged from the shadow of the barn, doubling over with one hand holding her stomach as she laughed out so loud she was struggling to breathe. She had to hold onto the frame of the barn door to stop herself from falling to the floor. This fit of laughter showed no signs of ebbing anytime soon.

Lois glared icily at her cousin for finding such mirth in her misfortune, but out of the corner of her eye, she could see the shoulders of one tall muscular farmboy trembling up and down. He was laughing with Chloe. _The nerve!_

"It's not funny Chloe!" Lois yelled. Chloe ignored her cousin, continuing to snicker away deliriously, her eyes now streaming with tears.

By now, Clark had given up any pretence of hiding his own amusement, chuckling away at Chloe's behaviour before turning back around to eye Lois. She raised her eyebrow, insulted and daring him to continue. That only served to make things worse for her as he bent over like Chloe, hands on knees before raising a finger to point out exactly what was so funny, as if it wasn't obvious.

"Laugh away, Smallville!" she challenged through gritted teeth, clenching her fists. "I might actually poison you next time."

Clark calmed down sufficiently enough to respond. Somehow, a threat from a furious Lois had to be taken seriously.

"I'm sorry Lois. Look, why don't you head back to the house and grab a shower. Come on, you can borrow something of mine."

That appeared to placate Lois a tad as she removed her hands from her hips. She eyed him up and down as if considering his offer. In her current predicament, it was the best course of action.

"Thanks. But you are not to breathe a word of this to anyone, do you hear me?"

Clark nodded, and the two of them made their way over to the house. Neither had noticed that the hoots of laughter from Chloe had died down, nor that she'd made her way over to the hose reel beside the barn and turned on the tap.

"Seriously Clark, was my cake that ba-aaaiiiiiiiiiiiii!"

Lois yelped and scrunched her shoulders as a blast of cold water hit her square on the back of her neck, dousing her hair and shoulders, streaming down her back. Clark instinctively took a couple of paces to one side to avoid the spray of cold water. He turned to see Chloe holding the hose out, still liberally dousing Lois from little more than 20 feet away.

"What?" Chloe offered innocently. "I thought she could use the help!"

"Chloeeeeeeeee!" screamed Lois as the water now blasted her face.

Chloe turned off the hose and then the tap. Lois was about ready to stomp back over to thump her cousin before Clark cut in.

"Lois, let me handle Chloe. You go on to the house and grab a shower. I'll be there in a minute."

Releasing an angry sigh and aiming daggers at Chloe as she stood in her clothes soaked from head to toe, hair matted to her face and with bits of rum-soaked cake batter and icing running down her face in streaks of red and blue splendour, she turned on her heels and dashed into the house. The aggressive slamming of the screen door on the porch made it clear she was in the foulest of foul moods now.

"That was below the belt Chloe, even for you."

Nevertheless, Clark reciprocated when Chloe put her hand up for a high five. She knew her cousin would be plotting to get even, but she was still feeling pleased with herself.

As Clark stood there looking back at the house and contemplating how to handle the upcoming tempest, he noted that he hadn't thought at all about Zod's arrival for the last few minutes. That was the Lois effect. She always found a way of taking his mind off anything that caused him to become brooding and isolated, whether she'd intended to or not. She really didn't understand him but he was right - in a roundabout way, she _did_ know him better than anyone.

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 **FIN.**


End file.
